You watch a movie that might seem perfectly fine, but not long after, you’ve forgotten that you’ve seen it. That’s cinematic Chinese food for you.
GO, JOE! – OR NOT
No one was more excited about a G.I. Joe movie than I was. After spending my youth building vehicles and collecting action figures, the concept of reliving my childhood through a cheesy action flick was right up my alley.
G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA (PG-13, 11/2 stars) is a completely forgettable film, filled with ridiculous special effects, hammy acting and a plot that was seemingly constructed by 10-year-olds.
Trust me, I wasn’t expecting heavy insight from a movie about warring military units, but man, this was tedious. Paramount was worried about this from the start, refusing to show it to critics and allegedly firing director Stephen Sommers. But it turned out to be a moderate hit – although it failed to recoup its $170 million budget.
I knew I was in trouble when the movie started in 1641 France, and things just got worse from there.
This origin story revolves around how Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) found their way into the ultra-secret G.I. Joe unit, a multi-ational, best-of-the-best type cadre of specialists led by Gen. Hawk (Dennis Quaid).
Their latest mission involves shepherding some nuclear warheads that are being chased by the ruthless Baroness (Sienna Miller) and evil corporate boss McAllen (Christopher Eccelston).
So, we get our fair share of firefights, montages and truly awful CGI, as well as some of the lamest dialogue committed to film in recent memory.
The film picked up with an extended chase scene through the streets of Paris, only to then go back to being truly insane during a conclusion underneath the polar ice caps.
Then there was Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s odd turn as Cobra Commander, one of the strangest roles by an up-and-coming star in many years. He spends most of the movie buried under fake latex and speaking in a guttural Batman voice; it’s truly weird.
I’m sure there will be a sequel – the ending practically begs for one – but I can’t see myself getting fired up for that one.
SOLID STAR POWER
Considering the longevity of both their careers, it’s surprising that Denzel Washington and John Travolta haven’t been in a movie together before. But their pairing in THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1-2-3 (R, 3 stars) is one of the film’s pleasant surprises.
Even though they share only a few scenes, the chemistry these two vets have helps elevate this remake of the 1974 flick that starred Walter Matthau and Robert Shaw.
Travolta stars as Ryder, the leader of a gang that hijacks the titular train, demanding $10 million from the city in exchange for the safety of the hostages.
His primary mode of communication is through the train system’s operator, disgraced former exec Garber (Washington). Garber and Ryder banter as the FBI and police try to figure out a solution to the train drama. Both men wind up bearing their souls – Ryder railing against the city that caused his imprisonment and Garber detailing the bribe that he took to further his kids’ education.
There’s something to be said for the benefits of a straightforward action thriller that caters to the older than-30 crowd – good acting, solid direction, salty dialogue – in the increasingly neutered PG-13 world, so while this doesn’t exactly hit the seedy feel of the earlier film, it’s a decent attempt.
Director Tony Scott is a master of kinetic overkill, but he actually reins in his impulses (save for the over-the-top car crashes in the finale) and delivers a better film for it.
Travolta is in his element when he plays a bad guy, and here he chews the scenery with the best of them, leading to a wickedly funny performance. Washington is his usual steady self, but he’s still believable when the script requires him to become more action-oriented down the stretch.
It’s a good film, not a great one, but sometimes, that’s enough.
TYPICAL TEEN FARE
Teen comedies are my cinematic kryptonite. I’ve seen them all, both good and bad, even though I’m long past my high school days.
I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER (PG-13, 2 stars) has a lot of things going for it – it’s based on a best-selling book, it’s directed by teen comedy vet Chris Columbus, it stars a hot young talent in Hayden Panettiere – but it doesn’t come together the way it should.
This wild night in the life of a dorky high school grad comes off better on the page than it does on screen, where we have a hard time swallowing the contrivances of the plot. But the other problem is that it just isn’t as funny as it could be.
Valedictorian Denis Cooverman (Paul Rust) takes the opportunity of his graduation speech to proclaim his love for Beth Cooper (Panettiere), the head cheerleader and hottest girl at school, while also taking some other kids down a few notches for their failings.
This leads to an implausible chain of events that kicks off with Beth showing up at Denis’ house for a party and ends with a bruised and battered Denis discovering more about himself and his dream girl than he ever imagined.
Of course, this is familiar territory for the teen genre, but in this day and age, when better, sharper films take on the teen experience, this one feels far too timid to have an effect.
Veering wildly between broad comedy and maudlin life lessons, I’m not sure that Larry Doyle (who adapted his book) wasn’t too close to the material to make the necessary changes to tighten it.
Panettiere is a winning young actress, and she brings the fresh-faced, sweet nature needed for the role, while Rust – who seems way too old for a high schooler – has his moments as the put-upon Denis. An hour later, though, I was hungry for a better film.
The Video Guy is Elliott Smith, a former Olympian reporter who lives in Seattle. He can be reached at ejsteeler@hotmail.com.
