Choosing how grass gets cut is one of man’s last rights

May 22, 2011 

This week, we’re continuing the ongoing series of examining deep questions that have confused guys for ages by discussing the topic, “What is the actual point of mowing a lawn?”

The easy answer is, of course, that there is no point because a lawn will keep growing back. If God had wanted us to have lawns that looked like a Marine haircut, he would have made grass 1-inch tall.

Instead, he made grass that, if left uncut, will grow 30,000 feet and interfere with what little commercial jetliner traffic we have left in America. That’s why, if you are a patriotic American concerned about maintaining our global domination and fighting the scourge of overgrown yards, you will have kids.

According to the National Lawn Mowing Association, more lawns are mowed by children under the age of 16 than any other age group, except by your retired neighbors who mow their lawn 8 times every day and make your yard look like an empty lot.

That’s why, when a young couple gets married and purchases their first house, which often comes with a lawn, it isn’t long before this conversation takes place:

WIFE: “Honey, can you mow the lawn this weekend?”

GUY: “Hey, you know what I’m thinking? Maybe it’s time we had a kid.”

Later in life, when the lawn-mowing kids have grown up and left town with all your money, a lawn mower-hating guy has to employ new tactics.

If you’re a typical homeowner, you probably already have a keen knack for killing your lawn. As a Northwesterner, you instinctively know the first rule of lawn care: If you do not water and feed it properly, moss will sneak in at night and strangle your lawn one blade at a time. The second rule: If you do water and feed it, the moss will kill it anyway.

But this doesn’t always work, because a resourceful spouse can order in a new one, like getting a large pizza delivered. She will simply call up the “sod” guy, who shows up early the next morning with another lawn on the back of his truck.

These “sod” guys often look a little shady, and you have to wonder, “Where did they get this lawn in the middle of the night?”

I suspect they stole it from some other hapless homeowner, who might have been contemplating killing his. There are probably only a dozen or so real lawns in the world and these “sod” guys just pass them around like fruitcake at Christmas.

Therefore, in conclusion, the point of mowing your lawn is to fight back a government-funded universal lawn-care system and retain your constitutional right to choose your own lawn-care provider.

ET CETERA

If you’re reading this, then the world didn’t end yesterday … A dozen or more local musicians are partnering with the Crisis Clinic of Thurston and Mason counties. They hope to produce a CD that will raise money for the non-profit … The freighter, Dry Beam, docked at the Port of Olympia late last week to load up 7.5 million board feet of logs destined for Japan, no doubt to partly aid in the rebuilding effort there … Still time to have your name engraved on a stainless steel railing plate on the newly renovated Percival Landing Contact the City of Olympia … Ridge Motorsports Group has the green light to begin construction of a new drag strip and road racing course in the Shelton area … Stephanie Munsell, of Rochester High School, has made history. She’s the first golfer in the school’s history to qualify for the state tournament, to be played at The Home Course next week.

George Le Masurier, publisher of The Olympian, can be reached at 360-357-0206 or glemasurier@theolympian.com.

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