Instead of attempting a risky flight, the couple worked through the rush hour, making lattes and mochas, which had the extra benefit of accumulating extra loot for them.
Are you thinking what I’m thinking? That’s right, during this period of economic mayhem, perhaps enterprising criminals could provide the “magic pill” that turns this sluggishness around.
NEW YORK – A well-organized gang wearing gas masks systematically hit Wall Street banks today where they ripped up toxic mortgage-backed securities and flushed foreclosure documents down the drain. Shouting, “Lend us some money,” the gang forced bank officers to sign stacks of loan agreements for small businesses. Now believed to be hiding in a New Mexico cave, the gang recently videotaped a message taking credit for a 25 percent increase in the economy and a return to rising property values.
LOS ANGELES – Taking a page from The Tiger Woods Playbook, a new super committee of male celebrities and elected officials is proposing to “get Americans spending again” by paying every woman who has ever been sexually harassed to maintain their silence. Herman Cain, Bill Clinton and Eliot Spitzer have been named honorary committee advisors.
PHILADELPHIA – Two middleaged and balding men tunneled into the Comcast headquarters Friday evening and worked all night reprogramming the company’s computers to allow customers to pick and pay for only the channels they actually want to watch. The men did not flee until they had repackaged some the company’s cable TV offerings to separate cooking and home and garden channels from sports, and putting all the shopping channels together. A shaking switchboard operator said millions of happy customers were jamming the phone lines “just to say thank you.”
SEATTLE – A group of young people all wearing hooded sweatshirts blocked a pale senior citizen from entering her apartment building and forced her to swallow a multivitamin containing 400 IU of vitamin D. After rapping out the health benefits of 600 IU daily for persons between 51 and 70, they wouldn’t leave her alone until she agreed to spend at least 45 minutes per day outside. The woman told police she’s noticed a general improvement in her mood and a boost in her immune system.
OLYMPIA – In a selfless act to solve the state’s financial woes, both gubernatorial candidates, Rob McKenna and Jay Inslee, have offered to marry Kim Kardashian for “as many days as it takes to raise the $122 million” from entertainment magazines and TV shows needed to cover the latest budget shortfall. Party loyalists say the candidates’ families shouldn’t mind because the marriage would just be a sham staged to generate income.
OLYMPIA — Police have issued a warning that an unidentified woman has been going door to door demanding that people “hand over” all their unopened food. Witnesses later sighted the woman at the Food Bank, where she refused to leave until volunteers had stocked all of her extorted food items on their shelves.
ET CETERA
George Narozonick, a WWII veteran of D-Day and Okinawa raised the flag at Tumwater Falls Park on Veterans Day last week... Greg Miller of g.miller men’s wear in downtown Olympia is fitting the latest Medal of Honor winner, Staff Sgt. Leroy Petry of Joint Base Lewis-McChord, for a distinctive blazer donated by the Hart Schaffner Marx company. It is the third honoree Miller has fitted for the special coat... Olympia High School alumnae Brigit Miller, daughter of Allen Miller and Maureen Callaghan, is working on research at Willamette University with a professor using laser beams to manipulate atoms and potentially create a new molecule... Just FYI, the Olympia area has averaged about 16 inches of snowfall per year over the last 55 years, most of it coming in January (average 6.8 inches)... You can help local high school bands win $10,000 for their schools by voting for them in the Rock Battle of the Bands contest. Vote by texting to 24300, with the following codes: ROCK 26 for Olympia, ROCK9 for Capital, or ROCK3 for Tenino.
George Le Masurier, publisher of The Olympian, can be reached at 360-357-0206 or by email.
