Published June 27, 2012
Settle down, kids, or Ill make you watch PoltergeistMARTI SCHODT; Board of Contributors
Ive come to terms with the fact that I cant handle scary movies. Its sad I know. I thought I could handle them until I watched The Grudge at a movie night a few weeks back, and ended up waking up my mommy at 3 a.m. because I was convinced there was a face-eating devil child in my closet. My personal opinion is that no one who intends to sleep in the near future should choose to watch anything involving murderers, ghosts, curses, zombies, vampires, angry girls, haunted houses or spiders (that last one might just be me). But I have thought of a practical use for all those horror movies: child management. Let me explain. We all know what a horror movie can to do a childs mind. How they shut down and have nightmares for weeks on end. I am in no way suggesting that children be objected to such terror at such an early age, unless of course they deserve it. How many of you have had a child tell you that they hated you? Or that youre the meanest mommy/daddy in the whole wide world. Well, thats kind of rude dont you think? You could put the child in timeout or take away the sweets, but eventually theyll say it again. Unless you show them how wonderful you are, by comparison. Making them do their homework is downright kind compared with hacking people to bits, isnt it, Mommy dearest? Maybe theyre getting a little arrogant and you wish they would revert back to that sweet little kid who used to snuggle up to you when it thundered. Problem solved. Pop in The Ring and prepare for hours of cuddling. Theyll never want to let you go. Or maybe they have a nasty habit of ignoring orders. They might think you only make those stupid rules to keep them from having a good time. Just about any horror movie will remind them what happens when you dont follow the rules. Its not just children either. I promise you that your hoodlum of a teenage son wont be so sure of himself after watching some Paranormal Activity. Be cautious if he likes to sag his pants, one good ghost flash and he might quite literally be scared out them. Or teenage girls. This one is easy. I hate to say it, but girls dont do too well in horror movies, especially blondes. They have a knack for finding trouble, running away, then changing their minds and running back to it. If your daughter has been acting up, just sit her down and let her see what could occur if she keeps sneaking out. What about those obnoxious teens who swear that theyre in love? You can fix that. We all know what happens to lovey dovey couples in horror movies, especially if they like to kiss in cars. Scary movies can help with spouses too. One example is when purchasing a home. Lets say your husband is in love with a house that you cant stand. Tell him you heard it was haunted and then casually put on The Amityville Horror. Or your wife thinks you should vacation to Hawaii when you both know you cant afford it. Jaws anyone? I dont plan on watching any scary movies in the future. Im off to college and I dont really need the idea put into my head that my roommate is an ax-wielding psychopath who wants to wear my skin. But Ive learned some lessons from the few films Ive watched and Ill take them with me, my parents will be proud. Marti Schodt is a student at Timberline High School. She may be reached at marthaJane004@aol.com .