Settle down, kids, or I’ll make you watch ‘Poltergeist’

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t handle scary movies. It’s sad I know. I thought I could handle them until I watched “The Grudge” at a movie night a few weeks back, and ended up waking up my mommy at 3 a.m. because I was convinced there was a face-eating devil child in my closet.

My personal opinion is that no one who intends to sleep in the near future should choose to watch anything involving murderers, ghosts, curses, zombies, vampires, angry girls, haunted houses or spiders (that last one might just be me). But I have thought of a practical use for all those horror movies: child management.

Let me explain. We all know what a horror movie can to do a child’s mind. How they shut down and have nightmares for weeks on end. I am in no way suggesting that children be objected to such terror at such an early age, unless of course they deserve it.

How many of you have had a child tell you that they hated you? Or that you’re the meanest mommy/daddy in the whole wide world. Well, that’s kind of rude don’t you think? You could put the child in timeout or take away the sweets, but eventually they’ll say it again. Unless you show them how wonderful you are, by comparison. Making them do their homework is downright kind compared with hacking people to bits, isn’t it, Mommy dearest?

Maybe they’re getting a little arrogant and you wish they would revert back to that sweet little kid who used to snuggle up to you when it thundered. Problem solved. Pop in “The Ring” and prepare for hours of cuddling. They’ll never want to let you go. Or maybe they have a nasty habit of ignoring orders. They might think you only make those stupid rules to keep them from having a good time. Just about any horror movie will remind them what happens when you don’t follow the rules.

It’s not just children either. I promise you that your hoodlum of a teenage son won’t be so sure of himself after watching some “Paranormal Activity.” Be cautious if he likes to sag his pants, one good ghost flash and he might quite literally be scared out them.

Or teenage girls. This one is easy. I hate to say it, but girls don’t do too well in horror movies, especially blondes. They have a knack for finding trouble, running away, then changing their minds and running back to it. If your daughter has been acting up, just sit her down and let her see what could occur if she keeps sneaking out.

What about those obnoxious teens who swear that they’re in love? You can fix that. We all know what happens to lovey dovey couples in horror movies, especially if they like to kiss in cars.

Scary movies can help with spouses too. One example is when purchasing a home. Let’s say your husband is in love with a house that you can’t stand. Tell him you heard it was haunted and then casually put on “The Amityville Horror.” Or your wife thinks you should vacation to Hawaii when you both know you can’t afford it. “Jaws” anyone?

I don’t plan on watching any scary movies in the future. I’m off to college and I don’t really need the idea put into my head that my roommate is an ax-wielding psychopath who wants to wear my skin. But I’ve learned some lessons from the few films I’ve watched and I’ll take them with me, my parents will be proud.

Marti Schodt is a student at Timberline High School. She may be reached at marthaJane004@aol.com  .