Vote for excess indulgence, consumption in November

August 10, 2012 

Patriots know that the invisible hand of the free market is the hand of God. Economic expansion requires us to be fruitful and multiply, which means, “Thou shalt consume.”

We have a divine calling to buy more than we need: therefore, the righteous never settle for less than too much.

Reject un-American notions of contentment and simplicity: such values lead to economic collapse. Buy two televisions instead of one. Buy shoes you will never wear. Buy magazines you will never read.

Buy more food than you could possibly eat in a week. Buy lots of empty calories, full of sugar and salt, so you never feel satisfied. Buy an extra-long bullet clip, one that fires 100 rounds instead of 10. Let your smokestacks overflow with greenhouse gases.

Above all, invest in perpetual war. War is profitable.

The secret of our success is consumption for consumption’s sake: throw away everything so you can buy it all over again.

Don’t listen to the snake in the garden, tempting you with Green propaganda. This foreign doctrine threatens our dream of endless waste.

In November, vote for the Learjet, the Humvee and the filet mignon. Vote for the yacht and the Cayman Island tax-shelter. Vote for Smith & Wesson assault rifles and $500 million college football programs.

Above all, vote for wealth, pressed out, overflowing, trickling down to the poor.

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