Humor: Airlines list fees for using cabin air

OlympiaAugust 24, 2013 

Exciting news from the airline industry. There will be no more new fees for passengers to contend with in order to fly. The latest fee on cabin air usage will be the last fee charged by the airlines.

This move allowed analysts to come up with a complete list of fees. This is just a preliminary list and may be revised:

Flight attendant gratuity – $15.58 (minimum fee); Pilot gratuity – $50.54; Co-pilot gratuity – $49.95; Luggage loading fee – $20.39; Luggage unloading fee – $30.48; Seat belt and safety orientation – $50.78; Tarmac waiting fee – $10.28/hour, 3 hour minimum; Pillow – $15.23; Cabin air usage – $2.56/liter; Successful takeoff – $150.32; Unsuccessful takeoff – $250.48; Crash (midflight) – $900.94; No crash (midflight) – $1,806.38; Successful landing – $500.48; Unsuccessful landing – $750.39; Deplane – $20.29; Concourse access – $15.37; Baggage claim – $35.29; Airport staff gratuity – $35.61; Cash handling fee – $36.28.

These fees are necessary to maintain profitability of the airline and to defray the expenses of security, baggage handling, flight operations, court costs, and other unspecified expenses. To expedite the loading and unloading of passengers and baggage, all fees must be paid in cash, exact change only.

Remember, airport staff and airline personnel are not allowed to make change. Enjoy your flight!

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