One of the great things about being in a new year is getting to wipe 2013 from our minds. Completely. Forever. Except maybe this one last, final, end-of-the-year quiz. (Coming soon. 2014: What’s Gone Wrong So Far?)
1) North Korea announced the execution of leader Kim Jong Un’s uncle and former mentor, explaining that, among other crimes, Jang Song Thaek had been guilty of:
A) Insulting Dennis Rodman.
B) Failing to send Kim a birthday card.
C) Singing off key.
D) Half-heartedly clapping.
2) After the death of Nelson Mandela, former presidential candidate Rick Santorum said the late South African leader should inspire us to:
A) Fight against racial discrimination.
B) Fight against poverty.
C) Fight against Obamacare.
D) Fight to save South Africa’s endangered Table Mountain ghost frog.
3) The House Committee on Science, Space and Technology:
A) Has a chairman who is worried about “global warming alarmists.”
B) Has a science subcommittee chairman who believes the theory of evolution and the Big Bang theory are “lies straight from the pit of hell.”
C) Recently held a hearing on extraterrestrial life.
D) All the above.
4) Toward the end of the last big Senate debate of the old year, Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., emotionally declared that: “Like the frog in the warming water, we do not realize we are being cooked and that the freedoms of Americans are being cooked!” He was talking about:
A) Global warming.
B) A problem with the Capitol heating system.
C) The Senate rules.
D) People who made 2013 such a bad year for Paula Deen.
5) Speaker John Boehner said recently that the immigration reform bill is:
A) “Absolutely not” dead.
B) “Probably not” dead.
C) “Deader than a doornail.”
D) “Alive and well and living in Switzerland.”
6) Which of the following did McDonald’s not do in 2013?
A) Offered its employees advice on how much to tip their personal fitness trainer or pool cleaner.
B) Got stuck with 10 million pounds of unsold Mighty Wings.
C) Offered its employees budgeting tips with a planner that presumes they’re working two jobs.
D) Put Ronald McDonald on part-time status.
7) This year Amazon announced it was thinking about:
A) Creating a fleet of drones.
B) Taking over the world.
C) Delivering babies.
D) Raising its number of waffle iron options from 613 to something in the five figures.
8) Natalie Tennant, the leading candidate for the Democratic nomination for Senate in West Virginia, was the first woman chosen to perform as the Mountaineer, the mascot of the West Virginia University football team. When she hit the field, people in the stands would:
A) Yell extra loud at the sight of a path-breaking woman.
B) Cry: “Run for the U.S. Senate when Jay Rockefeller retires!”
C) Throw cups and chant: “We don’t want a mountain deer. Bring us back our Mountaineer.”
D) Behave pretty much the same as usual.
9) Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, recently told ABC News that he did something during his first year in office that “no one” else in Washington does. He explained that it was:
A) Appearing as dwarf prince Thorin Oakenshield in “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.”
B) Irritating John McCain more than Barack Obama ever did.
C) “Trying to do my best not to pay attention to the politics, to focus on fixing the problems.”
D) Making preparations to renounce his Canadian citizenship.
10) In her latest book, Sarah Palin says Todd’s favorite present is always:
A) A Sarah selfie.
B) Duck whistles from the Dynasty boys.
C) Gift cards for gas for his snow machine.
D) Anything that’s made in America.
Answers: 1-D, 2-C, 3-D, 4-C, 5-A, 6-D, 7-A, 8-C, 9-C, 10-C. Gail Collins is a columnist for The New York Times.