It has come to my attention that the misguided liberal bureaucrats have made fireworks illegal in Olympia. I must protest. “Rockets red glare! Bombs bursting in air!” This is the essence of America – 200 million people getting drunk and playing with explosives. I mean, what part of the Second Amendment don’t these liberals get?
It’s not just to protect our AR-15s and Glocks. I guarantee that some of those items I pick up at fireworks stands are capable of just as much carnage as any of those bulwarks of liberty. When Jesus wrote the Bill of Rights, He put the Explosives Amendment right after the First Amendment, the freedom to worship Jesus. That’s how important explosives are to real Americans.
And of course, God’s Intelligent Design gave us all these extra fingers in order to continue celebrating freedom, even after the occasional, unavoidable mishap.
So I hope my fellow citizens celebrated Independence Day with our traditional mayhem — but that they didn’t forget to duck.
That freedom shrapnel can really sting!