Education and empathy are key in making domestic violence rare

By Maya North | The Olympian's Board of Contributors • Published February 25, 2009

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They are young, beautiful, rich and famous. Pictures show them looking happy; as the evening continues, his expression begins to darken. By the time they are driving away, he is a thundercloud; she is looking away. She knows something is building, but I doubt she knows what's coming. She probably believes it can't happen to her — he would never hurt her.

She is wrong — allegedly, of course.

The next day, he says he is sorry for "what transpired," as if done by agent or agents unknown. It is distanced from him now; it wasn't he who did that to the woman he says he loves.

Recently on CNN, Leslie Morgan Steiner stated that between 1 million and 3 million women are abused by partners every year. Three women a day are murdered by their mates; 25 percent of women will have been abused or raped by their partners at some point, she said, citing Centers for Disease Control statistics. Statistics also say 835,000 men are battered every year. However, the biggest difference between the two is that most men are at least physically capable of defending themselves; most women are essentially defenseless.

It is sad commentary on our world that the only battered people you really hear about are well-known and unless it happens to one of them, there won't be much renewed discussion about domestic violence — domestic terrorism — either.

Imagine you are in prison. You may or may not be alone all day, but you know at any moment, the jailer could return. When your jailer comes home, your deficiencies are found and punished. If you try to leave, your children, your pets will be in mortal danger. For most of us, this is unimaginable.

So how do we change this?

Part of the problem is we live in a culture of violence. We like it. It is part of our nature. I have to admit that after work, I come home and play "World of Warcraft" where I kill computer-generated monsters galore. I doubt we will change entirely, but we must find a way to make it clear that there are places where violence must never go.

One good place to start would be to make sure kids know that both sexes are fully human and valuable. Recent research has revealed that when men see pictures of women in bikinis, the same parts of their brain light up as when they see a coveted tool — quite the example of seeing women as objects.

And it is long overdue to let go of the culture of male stupidity that ranges from insulting jokes to commercials portraying men as not competent to care for their own children.

It should be obvious, but we are all people.

I do not believe that people can cause such harm when they have fully seen the other people's human faces. It is easier to hurt someone who is an object — witness the objectifying of Japanese-American citizens prior to interning them. Witness the posters of Jews in Nazi Germany. If we have a culture where everybody is fully human — and where empathy is a primary social value — this problem is likely to fade into rarity.

And if it is rare, I believe a lot more attention will be paid to it when it does happen.

Maya North, a member of The Olympian's Board of Contributors, has gone from street kid to bachelor's degree; welfare mom to computer programmer with the Department of Labor and Industries. She can be reached at mayanorth@gmail.com.