Eenie meenie chili beanie. The spirits are about to speak.” (*)
Yes, it’s time for some fearful predictions for the 2010 election – which, mercifully, ends today. As always, no wagering.
1. U.S. Rep. Dave Reichert’s hair will endorse U.S. Rep. Dave Reichert.
2. After consulting with someone familiar with the process, 8th District Democratic challenger Suzan DelBene will cast her ballot.
3. On election night, when the first person refers to him as the “Ranking Minority Member of the House Appropriations Committee,” U.S. Rep. Norm Dicks will swallow his own tongue.
4. State Sen. Pam Roach will start an election night brawl by accusing rival Matt Richardson of moving her M&Ms.
5. U.S. Sen. Patty Murray will check her old tennis shoes out of the safe deposit box where they’ve been stored since 1992.
6. Tim Eyman will get a jump on the 2011 election by filing an initiative that will require a two-thirds vote to require a two-thirds vote.
7. Bill Gates II will launch a new tax-reform initiative to assess an income tax only on people named Rich.
8. Unemployment rates will rise unexpectedly with the sudden joblessness of pollsters, letter carriers and TV ad salesmen.
9. Once again proving the power of TV advertising, the top vote-getter in the U.S. Senate race will be Flo from the Progressive Insurance spots.
10. After conducting a press conference to talk about angry voters, three tea party leaders will explode.
11. To save tax dollars, Secretary of State Sam Reed will propose conducting the next session of the Legislature entirely by mail.
12. Chelan County Superior Court Judge John Bridges will clear his entire 2011 docket for the Murray-Rossi vote-count challenges.
13. Costco will double membership when it announces that its free samples policy will extend to booze.
14. Tea party favorite Clint Didier will announce that he has reduced his demands and will now endorse Dino Rossi if Rossi starts taking his phone calls.
15. Wall Street bankers will file slander lawsuits against Patty Murray and Dino Rossi.
16. Pierce County Assessor-Treasurer Dale Washam will file a copyright infringement case against Dave Reichert’s hair.
17. Gov. Chris Gregoire will convene an immediate special session of the Legislature to resolve the multibillion-dollar budget gap caused by U.S. Rep. Norm Dicks not becoming House Appropriations Committee chairman.
18. State Democrats will blame their election setback on their failure to pass that bill allowing dogs in bars.
19. Flo’s apparent victory in the U.S. Senate race will be challenged in Chelan County Superior Court by the GEICO Gecko.
20. Pierce County Deputy Assessor-Treasurer Alberto Ugas will file a recall petition against Dave Reichert’s hair.
21. U.S. Sen. Patty Murray will introduce special legislation to help the latest American workers to receive pink slips – 60 Democratic members of Congress.
22. To prove that candy and pop are food that should not be charged sales tax, the Initiative 1107 victory party buffet will feature Hershey Bar L’orange, grilled Fresca and Mike ’n’ Ike’s aspic.
23. Wall Street bankers will cancel Patty Murray’s and Dino Rossi’s Visa cards.
24. A new SurveyUSA poll will show 98 percent of likely voters who have already mailed in their ballots and feel the country is on the wrong track just want to be left alone so they can watch “The Simpsons.”
25. State House candidate Hans Zeiger will blame the loss of Pam Roach’s M&Ms on the Girl Scouts.
26. State Sen. Pam Roach and her rival, Matt Richardson, will shock the state’s political establishment by signing on as partners on “So You Think You Can Dance.”
27. Wall Street bankers will fund a new organization to fight discrimination against Wall Street bankers.
28. State Supreme Court Justice Jim Johnson will blame poverty on “all those poor people.”
29. A last-minute attack ad against Democrat Suzan DelBene will end with the disclaimer, “I’m Dave Reichert’s hair and I proudly approved this ad.”
* R.I.P., Alexander Anderson Jr.