Pronouns from a trans perspective

The first time a stranger referred to me with the pronoun “he,” I felt like I had been lifted up by a cloud. Finally, somebody who didn’t know me was seeing me as who I truly am: a man. This was in stark contrast with the consistent uses of “she,” “her,” and “ma’am,” which felt like little chisels chipping away at my sense of self.

I am a transgender man, which means I was designated “female” when I was born, though as I grew up, I realized that I am a man. Of course, the strangers who misgender me (meaning that they use language associated with the wrong gender) weren’t intending to hurt me. I am also consistently surrounded by family and friends who support and validate my identity. They use the pronouns I request and they do their best to correct themselves when they slip up.

I am eternally grateful for these people. They’ve kept me sane as I’ve transitioned, and they mostly make up for all the times people mistake me for a woman. Mostly.

Washington state is one of the best places to be trans, and I am extremely grateful to live here. However, as transgender issues have come into the national conversation, many people are wondering how best to respect transgender identities, and are looking for the language tools to do so. I am pleased say that the language tools exist!

Pronouns are a part of most people’s gender expressions, though most people who are cisgender (those who identify with the sex assigned to them at birth) are not frequently required to worry about their pronouns. On the other hand, for most transgender people, especially those of us who are in the process of transitioning or who exist outside the generally accepted binary of “man” and “woman,” pronouns are a very present issue in our lives. Though transgender people are a very small portion of the population, ranging from 0.4 percent to 1.5 percent of the population, that is also pretty close to the percent of natural red heads in the world! We also are at one of the highest risks for suicide. According to the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey, 41 percent of transgender people have attempted suicide, compared to the general population’s rate of 4.6 percent.

Now, I’m not saying that being misgendered is the only reason for this staggeringly high statistic. However, being misgendered damages a trans person’s self-image, which can increase their odds of attempting suicide. Changing how you approach pronouns can drastically improve the quality of life of the trans people you know, and can encourage other cis people to follow suit.

Here are a few basic guidelines to keep in mind:

• Ask. Sometimes it’s not obvious which pronouns to use when referring to somebody. The solution to this problem is to politely ask the person. It’s best to pull the person aside to a private place. Sometimes it’s not safe for a trans person to reveal their pronouns, if for example they aren’t out, or if they aren’t sure they can trust the people around them.
  
  
• Introduce your own pronouns. Many trans people introduce themselves like this: “I’m Kit, and my pronouns are he and him.” However, as a transgender person, it’s not always obvious if a situation is safe to do this. As a cisgender person, you can introduce yourself the same way, which will normalize the practice in our culture and help trans people feel more comfortable.
  
  
• Correct mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes. Even I have misgendered other trans people. These things happen, and when they do, the best course of action is to politely apologize and continue to work on it. You can also help by reminding others when they slip up.
  
  
• Don’t linger on mistakes. Trans people have to deal with being misgendered frequently. If somebody gets frustrated with you because you misgendered them, remind yourself that they get misgendered far more often than you get corrected. Do your best to work on it rather than escalating the tension, and without letting the conversation linger on it too long.
  
  

Keeping these things in mind will make our community more trans-inclusive, so thank you for reading this and taking them into consideration.

This story was originally published August 16, 2018 at 12:00 AM.