‘It’s good that children feel free to ask questions. I just don’t want them asking me’

“Can you still have sex, Grandma Dorothy?” she asked, in the same tone that she’d use to ask if I could still eat fried foods.

I retained my serene calm. “Who with?” I blurted.

People keep asking questions I can’t possibly answer. This one, from my Washington granddaughter, left me puzzled. Well, actually, it left me fleeing to the garage, planning to emerge a week from Tuesday. How am I supposed to answer a question like that? “Maybe?” or “How in the world would I know?”

Naturally, in these communication-challenged times I’m thrilled to hear from kids and grandkids any way at all. It’s good that the children feel free to ask questions. I just don’t want them asking me. All I ever asked my grandmother for was her fruit cake recipe.

I’m trying to think it over calmly. It’s true that we’re living longer and staying more active. People in their 70s and 80s are starting new careers, returning to college and even becoming internet and social media experts. There’s encouraging data that having regular habits — even bad habits — promotes long life.

Reports always cite the lady who drank Dr. Pepper every day and lived to be 101 as an example. They don’t say what questions her grandkids asked. I prefer to think in terms of Oreo cookies as my guilty pleasure. Maybe a little extra filling, but that’s it.

America’s population of persons aged 90 and older has almost tripled since 1980, and will continue to increase to more than 7.6 million over the next 40 years, according to a report from the U.S. Census Bureau.

“Traditionally, the cutoff age for what is considered the ‘oldest old’ has been age 85,” said Census Bureau demographer Wan He in a press release, “but increasingly people are living longer and the older population itself is getting older. Given its rapid growth, the 90-and-older population merits a closer look.”

Thanks loads, Dr. He.

While Dr. He is looking, I’m going to tiptoe away. I just want questions with a single, easy answer that I can’t possibly get wrong. Like this one: Was that a bear I saw running across the Steilacoom-DuPont Road last week? It is the first bear I’ve seen in the 50 years I’ve lived here. What’s a bear doing here?

Mayor Ron Frederick of Dupont answered, “Yes, there has been a bear in our general area this summer but so far Fish and Wildlife has not been able to catch him.” When they do catch him, they’ll try to safely relocate him.

There are about 20,000 black bears throughout Washington, and in King County, about 17 black bears per 38.6 square miles of bear. ... Now see, we have our answer and we didn’t have to ask about the personal habits of the bear or any elected officials.

And perhaps we might add a bit of helpful information for pleasant after-dinner discussion:

“All animals hate the smell of fabric softener so bring lots of fabric softener sheets and put them everywhere” is frequent advice given campers, but the Ask A Bear column from Backpacker magazine says bears may be attracted to such scents and since it’s apparently written by a bear, who can argue?

I can’t help thinking that these problems wouldn’t arise as often if we just answered the phone or wrote letters.

My son, the Latin teacher, provided confirmation that this has always been a problem with this translation — from 110 AD, for goodness’ sake — when Pliny the Younger wrote to a dear friend. “I am severely angry because for such a long time there’ve been no letters from you,” he began. “I don’t want to hear ‘but I wasn’t in Rome’ or ‘I was pretty busy’ and may the gods certainly not allow ‘I wasn’t feeling too well.’” He ended with a request for very many very long letters. I wonder what Pliny would have made of Facebook or pumpkin-flavored Oreos.

My mother had a verbal signal she used when she disapproved of the direction the conversation was taking. “Fantastic,” she’d say. “Fantastic” meant she thought the speaker was full of prunes. “Let’s draw a curtain of pity over the whole thing,” she’d conclude. Once the curtain was drawn, we were through talking about it. Easy. Simple.

My Aunt Mabel was 95 when she announced that although she’d been married at least four times, “I still have plenty of flirt left in my skirt.” The lady was very happy and apparently knew what she was talking about.

Note to self: Buy a skirt.

Where to find Dorothy in September

• 2 p.m. Sept 8: Zoom Book Doctors. Guest experts tell you how to bring your book from idea to launch. Online.
• 9 a.m. Sept 12 and 26: Coffee Chat and Change the World. Wonderful people, doing wonderful things. Online.
• 11 a.m. Sept. 14: Talking about “How To Stay On Top When The World Turns Upside Down” at the Green River Community College Kent Campus.
• 3:30 to 5:30 p.m. Sept. 17: Food Around the World and Tai Chi at the Fair. Variety show fun. Special guest — Works of Gina’s Puppets. Recipes from the Philippines, France, and New Mexico. Tai Chi demonstrations. All at the Washington State Fairgrounds in Puyallup, in the Home Arts Kitchen at the south end of the Pavilion near the Gold Gate.

Catch Dorothy’s podcast, Swimming Upstream Radio Show, at https://swimmingupstreamradioshow.com.

Contact Dorothy at 800-548-9264 or Dorothy@swimmingupstreamradioshow.com.