Army life was all covered in The Book ... except for the parts that weren’t

Every Tuesday morning, promptly at 10, I presented myself at the front door of quarters No. 7 to play bridge with the colonel’s wife.

This was made somewhat more complicated by the fact I never learned how to play bridge. But it was what I had to do. It said so in my brand new copy of “The Army Wife,” by Nancy Shea.

This book was thought to be the perfect engagement gift for prospective army brides. I do not know what became of my copy, but that first year I spent a lot of time throwing it at my new husband. He got pretty good at ducking. The book listed all of the duties that I, white-gloved and hatted, would be obliged to perform once I became an Army Wife.

I was outraged.

“Nobody tells me what to do,” I said.

That turned out to be inaccurate. Nancy Shea told me what to do every minute of my life.

For instance, on page 173 of that book I came to sincerely hate, I read, “While visiting an officer’s quarters, refrain from fraternizing with enlisted personnel or civilians. It just isn’t done.”

For some reason, I married the guy anyway. My father, who had a less than positive view of military people, didn’t speak to us for two years.

Even with the book under my arm, I was totally unprepared for life at Aberdeen Proving Grounds in Maryland.

The year was 1953. The first issue of Playboy magazine had just hit the newsstands. Everyone was reading it for the articles and Dean Martin sang “That’s Amore” on the new “portable” radios. It was less than five years since President Harry Truman’s order desegregating the military.

We shared a duplex with an African-American couple, Ursula and her Joe, as new to army life as we were. Ursula and I soon found we had a lot in common. We were both desperately trying to learn to cook. She brought a pie in for me to see. It seemed nothing but a vast expanse of liquid with a pie crust mountain in the middle.

“It drowned,” she said.

In turn, she clucked sympathetically over the homey touch I tried to give Campbell’s vegetable soup. I floated Spam cubes in it.

“Very nice,” said my husband, “Never serve this to me again.”

The Book instructed: “It’s important to be prepared to move on just a few hours notice. An Army wife NEVER complains.“

We moved 22 times in 20 years from White Sands to Taipei, where our 3-year-old learned to curse in faultless Mandarin. That wasn’t in the book.

Inevitably, I came to that August day with my children around me when a young soldier stood before me, holding the triangle folded flag in his white-gloved hands as he began the carefully memorized speech. “On behalf of a grateful nation ...” A rifle salute sounded, the bugle played and I was suddenly a member of a club that no one wants to belong to.

“Fair winds, Shipmate,” my navy son wrote on his Facebook page saluting Sen. John McCain. Although he missed serving with the senator that feeling of loss envelopes the community. In the Navy Times, Specialist Third Class Joshua Mortenson finished the traditional wish for a shipmate starting on a journey: “Fair winds and following seas, Sir,” he wrote.

I came to understand that being part of a military service community is really being part of a shared world. The Colonel’s Lady and Judy O’Grady are sisters under the skin, Kipling wrote. So I’ve emotionally stood beside Cindy McCain this past week. We all have, I imagine.

Of course, this is just the beginning. You have to start a new life after the last notes of taps die. Some families choose to preserve the flag in a glass case. We chose to fly it from the flagpole my husband had erected in front of the house. It was a comfort to see. It’s hard to know what to do next.

Last week at the Y, I saw an old friend. He’s a retired general and, though completely blind now, comes faithfully to the Y every week.

I stopped and spoke to him.

“Who are you?” he asked.

I moved closer and took his hand so he could recognize me. We talked a little and I went off to Tai Chi.

“Good to see you,” he called after me.

Sometimes we just have to learn to see with our hearts.

Meeting Dorothy

This story was originally published September 1, 2018 at 7:00 PM with the headline "Army life was all covered in The Book ... except for the parts that weren’t."