All the father of the bride gets are the bills and a boutonniere

My oldest daughter is getting married this weekend, which means I'm broke. Please send me all of your extra money.

Despite centuries of financial generosity, the father of the bride still doesn’t get to participate in most of the wedding planning, such as buying the dress or picking out the groom. We just get to pay for it.

Mothers of the bride, on the other hand, get invited to the bridal showers, help make the guest list, write the invitations, agonize over the colors of the bridesmaids’ dresses, and fret for days over which florist and caterer to use — critical little tasks that eventually drive both of them technically insane.

Meanwhile, parents of the groom get to goof off and do absolutely nothing. They’re just happy that some woman actually wanted to marry their son, because that means he’ll probably move out of the basement. Soon. Or so they hope.

The groom? Please, all he has to do is stay sober and pretend to be interested while actually keeping track of the playoff game on television.

But fathers of the bride are special. And now that I am one, I think we deserve a little more love than we’ve been getting. After all, without us, there wouldn’t be a bride.

That’s why I’m proposing a new tradition that I like to call The Father-Of-The-Bride Registry.

The concept is based on a simple premise: Why should the bride and groom get all the gifts? They haven’t done anything yet except spend a lot of my money.

Now, you may ask, where would you go to open a Father Of The Bride Registry?

Well, you start with a safe choice such as Lincoln Creek Lumber or Olympia Supply Co., where a new cordless drill or circular saw can always fill a gap in the old toolbox. For the more adventuresome, these stores can also suggest sophisticated outdoor grills that not only cook your food, but also actually go to the store and buy it for you.

But why limit yourself to just one registry? While you’re at it, also open an account at Paulsons Motorsports in Lacey or Capital City Yachts. Heck, do ’em both.

Bridal gifts are meant not only to make the lovely young couple feel loved but also to give them a head start on a new chapter in their lives.

Imagine the new start you could give the father of the bride by putting a brand new 70,000 cc, dual traction, multi-carb, high-bar Suzuki Boulevard road bike in his driveway.

While the newlyweds start their new life together by arguing over how much to pack for the honeymoon, the father of the bride could be zooming down the open road, riding a ribbon of highway, free of all worldly cares except whether he’s got enough change left for gas to get home.

No, it’s not about the money, though I really will miss it. Have I mentioned that? It’s all about knowing your little princess is happy and that she’s found her soul mate with whom to share life’s amazing journey. But, for now, when she pins that little flower on my suit jacket before I walk her down the aisle, and I realize that never again will I be the most important man in her life, I can look up and say, “A boutonniere? That’s all I get?”

George Le Masurier, publisher of The Olympian, can be reached at 360-357-0206 or at glemasurier@theolympian.com.

This story was originally published April 25, 2010 at 12:00 AM with the headline "All the father of the bride gets are the bills and a boutonniere."