LONDON - Religious leaders all over the world are scrambling to prove the existence of God after British theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking claims to have proven that the universe could have spontaneously created itself with no help from a supreme being.
Hawking’s new book, “The Grand Design,” suggests that nature can create itself from nothing.
Fortunately for believers, famed theological researchers Drs. Zeke and Ewell Find announced today they have uncovered indisputable evidence that God exists and that experts believe will shoot Hawking’s theories out of the sky.
According to Dr. Z. Find, the discovery came when a summer intern goofing off in the Abraham Library typed the letters “g-o-d” into the Google search engine and was promptly overwhelmed with 627 million websites dedicated to the Almighty.
Dr. Z. Find said the sheer enormity of the results puts the existence of God beyond any doubt.
In a meticulous scientific quest to collaborate this chance finding, Dr. E. Find swung his full research team into action. They found substantial supporting evidence.
Googling “Satan,” for example, only turned up 23.5 million sites, unequivocally proving God’s prevalence in the world. Likewise, “lord” turned up 250 million websites, while “devil” got only 85.4 million hits.
Similarly, “good” turned up a staggering 3.34 trillion entries, while “evil” produced a measly 164 million hits and 622,000 of those had to be discounted because they referred to “axis of evil,” which is something else entirely.
Within minutes of the Find doctors’ discovery, theological scholars around the world began verifying the research by Googling a myriad supporting evidence.
The Nebraska Institute for Seminary Studies and Wheat Production found that no other alleged supreme being came even close to God’s Googleness.
In a disturbing side discovery, it was learned that Lady Gaga (at 148 million hits) outdistanced Lindsay Lohan (61.1 million) as the most powerful temptation to the pleasures of the flesh, and actually far surpassed the power of Beelzebub (3.5 million) in luring people into darkness.
The good doctors Find also revealed that Hawking (12.7 million) isn’t even the most prevalent “Stephen.” Author Stephen King (17 million) has dramatically more omnipresence.
Roman Catholics felt relieved when independent studies showed the pope receiving 47.3 million hits, clearly sticking it to those unrepentant Anglicans, whose Archbishop of Canterbury only shows up 1.198 million times.
However, supporters of Hawking said collaborative studies were proving his theories. Theological computer scientists from Iran, for example, had verified that “revenge” (49.1 million) was dominating “forgiveness” (13.6 million). But in Sweden, the Center for Divine Intervention found that faith (186 million), hope (532 million) and charity (364 million), had overtaken the seven deadly sins, although pride (108 million) was going down hard.
Doctors Zeke and Ewell Find said they were simply being good shepherds (32.9 million) by using modern means to prove the existence of God.
Amen (32.1 million) to that.
Publisher George Le Masurier knows the world is in divine hands because he turned up 12,100 references to his own name, while his son, Dr. Guy Le Masurier, only managed 5,040 and George’s wife got a pitiful 4,300. You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.