On Mother's Day, Seattle-area moms give advice to their younger selves
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Imagine going about your day - perhaps you are shopping for groceries or meeting a friend for dinner. Then, you hear it. A fussy child making a scene, their parent desperately trying to placate their distress, to little or no avail. How would you react?
"My first thought was, ‘Why can't they control their child for goodness sake?'" recalled Amy Ridgeway, who lives in Lacey, Thurston County.
It wasn't until Ridgeway had children of her own and found herself in the very same position that she discovered the answer. During a visit to a bookstore in Olympia, her then-2-year-old son refused to leave, "screaming at the top of his lungs" and "wrapped his arms and legs around one of the security poles."
"I quickly learned that life revolves around them and not how I wanted them to behave," Ridgeway said. "I realized that it was more likely that the other parents were thinking, ‘Been there, done that, thank goodness it's not my child going ballistic.'"
It turns out there are many invaluable lessons one learns after becoming a mother. For Mother's Day on Sunday, we asked Seattle-area moms to share advice they would give to their younger selves. We heard from new moms in the throes of raising an infant and older women reflecting on decades of navigating motherhood. Some wrote of advice as practical as tracking what foods to feed your kid, while others chose to give themselves grace in the face of so-called "mistakes." Read their responses below, which have been lightly edited for clarity and length.
The practical advice
Some mothers offered advice from specific moments they experienced raising their children. "Let them wear what they want on picture day!" said Seattleite Theresa Taumura. Her son wore a tattered sweatshirt with pictures of trucks in third and fourth grade. Now 26, he still tells her how much he loved that outfit, she said.
Plus, she learned that moderation is key to staving off future bad habits. "I was not allowed to have sugar-sweetened cereal as a kid, so of course when I went to college I had two bowls of Cap'n Crunch every day!" Taumura recalled. She let her own kids have more access to cereal and candy - neither developed a craving for either food.
The food you choose to feed your kids can lead to good habits, too. "I wish I had been much more confident about introducing my kids to different fresh foods when they were old enough for solids," laments K.C. Nordquist, of Shoreline. By the time she told her son to eat more fruits in grade school, he refused. "I'm still a little sad about this," Nordquist confessed.
Time can slip away quickly when you're a mom. Teresa Mosteller, of Seattle, wished her younger self would "put everything on her calendar, from her kids' sports practices and band concerts to vet visits. "If I'd started this habit sooner, I could have avoided double booking or worse: The dreaded missed appointment," Mosteller said. "A family calendar keeps burnout at bay and is especially helpful when multiple family members are involved."
Looking after your own health is just as important as your children's health, some mothers say. "Wine is not ‘Mommy's juice!'" said Seattle mom Rachel Brackett. "I wish I had known that drinking just makes you more tired and anxious." Brackett quit drinking six years ago, and said it led to a clear head, better rest and more joy during motherhood.
"Our culture normalizes (drinking), especially for moms," said Minh-Hai Alex, another mom from Seattle. "It's easy to justify that it's fine to drink wine nearly every day. On the other side of loosening your attachment to wine is a virtuous cycle leading to joyful quiet mornings, less anxiety, better skin, improved fitness and more creativity."
Investing in the future
Some mothers reflected on how money, education or timing have affected their parenthood experience. Jess Pizzica, of Maple Valley, became a mom at 23 and had three kids in four years. "We were young and poor but very much in love and ready to start our family," she said. "Your kids will not remember the brand of clothes they wore or if they went to a private preschool. What they will remember is the games you played, the books you read, and the adventures you embarked on."
Seattleite Heather Young had "no idea" how much impact a child's education can have on one's life. "Doesn't matter how you do it; home, private, or public, schooling is the longest, hardest (aspect) of raising a child that no one talks about."
For some mothers, it's all about the timing. Jo Ann Hawkins, of Federal Way, married after graduating from college but waited until 35 to have a child. "I never thought about why I waited. I just knew I was having fun with my husband, and teaching and traveling. I have no regrets about waiting. I WAS a better mom and just learned day by day how to do that job." For others, the opposite is true. Christine Ito, of Bothell, wishes she had children sooner, "as they take energy and strength along with the love."
Living in the moment
Several moms encouraged their younger selves to be more present, especially when their children are young. "Take a break - finish it at night, go to the park with them as your kids will forever remember those times together," said Seattleite Alison Ivey, who did remote consulting work while raising her children. "Your work doesn't appreciate the sacrifice you made to work harder."
"Please include yourself in your family photo memories!" added fellow Seattle mom Molly Bullard. "I've heard every excuse but without you/us included, we lose a record of us in our family history."
Honoring your emotions and needs
Other mothers wished they had kept up with their hobbies or passions from before they had children. In the '90s, Jamie Skylar was a pilot flying across the remote Alaskan wilderness, later working as an aerial firefighter. "Please don't let go of flying," Skylar, who now lives in Seattle, told her younger self. "Being a mom is meaningful and important, but it's not the only part of who you are. Trust yourself enough to build a life that includes all of who you are. You'll be glad you did."
Similarly, Jennifer Pazaruski, of Edgewood, Pierce County, wishes she hadn't dismissed her own needs for the sake of prioritizing the needs of her children. "I now treat myself to an annual yoga retreat on Whidbey Island," she said. "Spending three days taking care of myself brings me back to a little reset of being the best version of myself."
Some moms wrote about how much grief can affect their life as a parent. "I wish I knew how much grief was a part of being a mother," said Amanda Okonek, of Burien. "You get to see your kid grow and change, which is wonderful, but each stage is so fleeting and you have to grieve each one as it ends. I want to just cuddle the baby or toddler versions of my kids again, even just for one day. I carry that grief with me each day and I know it's only going to get harder as they reach their teen years and beyond."
The most common piece of motherhood advice
We are indeed our harshest critics, Seattle-area moms agree. In retrospect, many allowed themselves a moment of grace. Amy Anderson, a Seattle mom, wished she could go back and give her younger self a hug - and a nap. "I would remind myself, ‘Just because it's hard doesn't mean you're doing it wrong!'"
Seattleite Sara Stamey, now a grandmother of two young grandchildren, would have told herself to choose her battles with her own children. "With some considerable distance (and a healthy relationship with both my children), I would have told myself to take a chill pill at times and just let go. Sometimes this is the right call and only you know when that time is."
"We are not just raising our children," reflected Shama Shams, of Seattle. "We are, in many ways, raising ourselves again. We are tending to the younger versions of us who carried too much, too soon, and offering them, through our children, the care we once needed. And sometimes, the most powerful thing a mother can do is choose softness in a world that taught her to survive."
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