Sexual assault is rooted in dehumanization

Over the past few years, the issue of consent and sexual assault have been prominent in the news. The Me Too movement has called the public to question some of the most powerful people in our culture, from politicians to comedians. Many of the accused have expressed that they did not realize that their actions were harmful.

Whatever your personal opinion of the allegations held against these people, or of the people who have made them, I want to call you to examine the way you view consent and intimacy in your own life.

I’ve had several relationships in my relatively young life, and the biggest thing I’ve learned from them is that partners do not exist simply to make you happy. In my experience, relationships work best when both parties are actively working on themselves while receiving and providing the support that they are comfortable with.

I’m married to a wonderful man. I met him when I was 19, having barely dipped my toes in the real world. The beginning of our relationship was intense, and in many ways unhealthily co-dependent. While we loved and cared for each other deeply, in many ways we held each other back and caused each other unnecessary stress. I expected things from him that he could not provide to me, and was continually disappointed when he couldn’t deliver. I also held onto identifying as a woman for far longer than I believe I otherwise would have, because I was afraid he would no longer want me.

Over the last seven years, the dynamic between us has shifted in many ways. I’m now 26 years old. I’m in the process of transitioning from female to male. He identifies as asexual, which means that he experiences very little sexual attraction. As we’ve grown we’ve had to adjust our dynamic, but those adjustments have rarely been painful. In fact, as we’ve learned more about ourselves and each other, we’ve been able to respect each other’s boundaries and needs more completely.

How is this relevant to the Me Too movement and the accusations of sexual assault? I believe these issues boil down to the way we view our fellow human beings, especially the ones closest to us.

People are not happiness dispensers. When we think of other people as the source of our happiness, pleasure, or validation, we risk objectifying and dehumanizing them. This dehumanization can result in, at best, resentment and disappointment, and at worst, the complete disregard of boundaries, leading to assault and rape.

My point is that the issues of consent, bodily autonomy, and respect are not only relevant to the way we treat people we meet while drunk at college parties. They are essential to the way we treat our spouses, our friends, our colleagues, and our communities as a whole.

I want to encourage you to reflect on the ways you depend on the people in your life for your happiness and pleasure. Are your expectations reasonable? How do these expectations affect the people you love, your cashiers, your colleagues? Do your desires prevent you from paying attention to the body language of others? Have you discussed consent? Does your partner have the option to say no, and if they did, would they feel safe, physically and emotionally?

I believe that these issues will only be resolved when we all ask ourselves these difficult questions. So, what do you think you are owed?