Start with honesty; it leads to civility

My earliest lessons on the use of words was provided by my mother — may she rest in peace.

She was especially concerned with my incorrect usage. She would stop me when I misused a word and then provide an alternative along with the preferred context. I was always to refrain from using the words “shut up.” Instead, I was to say, “be quiet.” And, under no circumstances was I ever to utter the expletive “liar.” The L-word was the worst of all four-letter transgressions. Mom explained that what may appear as a lie may be simply a matter of being wrong. A lie is always purposeful deception and being wrong generally has no intent to deceive.

She also focused on my love of hyperbole — another form of the L-word. I loudly complained once during a swim meet that a competitor purposely kicked me in the face. I was reminded, that I had encroached into his lane and that I was nearly a length behind. But in the peak of my humiliating loss I wasn’t interested in the rascally truth. For my mom, it was an opportunity to instruct me on honesty and why people often exaggerate (e.g., to deflect, excuse, misdirect, etc.), and how it can conflict with the holiest of words — truth.

She would frequently cement a lesson with a bit of Mark Twain humor and wisdom: “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” Of course, these home-base lessons were not just about language skills, but also about the art and practice of civility.

It is through this perspective that I filter much of what I read and hear. Derisive words such as liar, racist, denier, hater, fascist, leftist, and more are regrettably applied in just about every imaginable context. The use of these words, often at odds with Merriam Webster, are so broadly and carelessly applied as to be near void of real meaning.

How often do we scratch our heads trying to understand how ”racist” relates to someone advocating for a reasoned immigration policy; or, how “hate” makes sense in the context of food stamps; and, how is “leftist” logically associated with bicycle lanes in Seattle? The answer is they don’t. At best, they relate only in the most peripheral way.

I have found that what frequently motivates the improper use of words is a desire to frame the argument in ways that demonizes the opposing perspective. Unfortunately, this tactic satisfies only those already in agreement while simultaneously disparaging and suppressing those with differing views. It denies any common ground and maintains a divisive status quo.

Daily media is crowded with news and opinion and the vast expanse in between. When this information uses indiscriminate and derisive words to describe our personal beliefs, we shut it out and move on. Not much communication or learning is occurring here, certainly little understanding of each other.

In the present swamp of L-word manifestations like hyperbole, demagoguery, insinuation, rumor, and misdirection that plague our discourse, it may be helpful to recall John F. Kennedy’s observation:

“Too often we hold fast to the clichés of our forebears. We subject all facts to a prefabricated set of interpretations. We enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.”

Instead of succumbing to politicized framing, perhaps we should start at the personal level with the word “honesty.” Merriam says honesty implies a refusal to lie, steal, or deceive in any way.

While we can’t control what others do or say, we can take ownership for how we express ourselves. We can consider how words advance learning and civil discourse. If these considerations flirt with the L-word and fall short of honesty, we can always alter our course.

Yes, using words to advance understanding requires the discomfort of thought, but it also affords our best hope for two-way communication and its close cousin, civility. As I move along in life the truth of my earliest instruction remains immutable and mom’s oft refrain of “words mean things” rests sweetly on my mind.

This story was originally published July 5, 2017 at 8:56 PM with the headline "Start with honesty; it leads to civility."