Up is down, black is white, and the Mariners are just fine, according to Jerry Dipoto

This week I considered writing a column with comments that Jerry Dipoto might make if he were to assess the Mariners’ offseason and season ahead.

I would have him going on and on, spitting out all kinds of optimistic syllables, praising the condition of his team, sparking disbelief with his continuing verbal nonsense.

But then the Mariners president of baseball operations actually spoke to reporters Monday afternoon and God bless him, he came through like the champion he is, predictably coming across as a tone-deaf buffoon.

If it were anyone else, you’d wonder how he could be so off-base and out of touch, but when you realize it’s Jerry Dipoto, you know it’s in keeping with who he’s always been - an incredible B.S. artist or a yes man for ownership who understands what to say to retain his job.

The Mariners, by all accounts aside from Dipoto’s, needed to improve an offense that was 29th in MLB in batting average, 21st in runs scored and struck out more than any other team.

But Dipoto, who probably calls a hurricane a gentle breeze and thinks you should too, said our eyes somehow deceived us when we watched his team swing and miss so frequently, wasting superb efforts by the best rotation in the game.

“There’s the reality of our offense and then there’s the perception of our offense,” he said. “Our offense has generally been above average based on advanced metrics for a number of years now. The last three years we’ve actually had a very stable offense…We have a good offensive team and we didn’t feel like we needed to do a whole lot but to find ways to support the group that we had.”

That support came in the form of two dubious free-agent acquisitions in 37-year-old journeyman Donovan Solano and Jorge Polanco, who was supposed to be terrific last year but was subpar instead. He performed so poorly that the Mariners did not pick up his player option only to somehow decide he was worth bringing back three months later mainly because he was available at The Dollar Store, where the Mariners do 99 percent of their shopping.

Never mind that he’s a second baseman who will now play third base with Dipoto likely thinking it will be a seamless transition for an injury-prone 32-year-old who will magically return to his back-of-the-baseball-card form that he had with the Twins.

Dipoto also feels there will be a carry-over from the last 34 games in 2024 when the Mariners went 21-13 after Dan Wilson replaced Scott Servais as the manager. Edgar Martinez changed the philosophy by stressing the importance of putting the ball in play and hitting to all fields, things we all learned in Little League before launch angle and exit velocity littered every ROOT Sports telecast.

His opinions on the offense would have been bad enough, but leave it to Jerry to double down with another did-he-really-say-that remark concerning the team’s needs.

“”It’s been a pretty quiet offseason and I think that’s reflective of a team that didn’t have a lot of holes to fill,” Dipoto said.

If you call eight possible holes not a lot of holes, then you and Dipoto are on a different page than many fans who, for starters, think the entire infield should be overhauled. First base projects to be a job share with converted outfielder Luke Raley and Solano. Dylan Moore, a career backup, is the favorite to start at second base. Polanco will start at third base by default, and shortstop J.P. Crawford is mystifyingly unchallenged at shortstop even though he’s coming off his worst season.

Catcher Cal Raleigh and center fielder Julio Rodriguez are the only sure things in the lineup. Left fielder Randy Arozarena could be a solid fixture as well, but I can’t be the only one who has doubts about him, in part because of a career-worst season in 2024 and his weird tendency to occasionally step out of the box before pitches arrive. Right fielder Victor Robles was gangbusters with the Mariners but washed out with the Nationals and has to prove that he can do it over the course of a full season.

Designated hitter could come down to a battle between two overpaid Mitches, Garver and Haniger, who would have been cut by other teams, but the Mariners will try to milk what they can from a pair of disappointments in 2024.

It’s as if Dipoto plays us all for fools who surely can’t see through his condescending act because after all, we should know he’s the smartest guy in the room by now.

Mariners fans killed Dipoto on social media Monday, astonished by what he had to say and maybe even a little surprised that he was allowed to speak publicly again after revealing last year that the team strives to win 54 percent of its games.

From Zach: “I don’t know what else he could say, but Jerry still manages to give the worst responses he could give every time.”

From BurnZearn: “Here I am thinking we’re owed an apology, but instead they give themselves a pat on the back. Disgusting.”

From Birdman: “It’s the same roster that was terrible last year, got their manager fired and missed the playoffs yet again.”

And this was my personal favorite, from John McCallum: “If you don’t get fired after bombing this hard in the offseason, you have a job for life. He’s going to be running this franchise into the ground ‘til he’s 92 years old and at that point, he’ll be replaced by a hologram of Jerry.”

Dipoto never met a preposterous statement he didn’t like, so he trotted out one more that would have caused him to go into a blue tent for concussion protocol at an NFL game.

“We feel like this is a good team and if this is our team going into spring training and Opening Day, we’re pretty excited about it.”

Even if no one else is.

Jim Moore has covered Washington’s sports scene from every angle for multiple news outlets. He appears Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at 10 a.m. on Jason Puckett’s podcast at PuckSports.com. You can find him on X (formerly Twitter) @cougsgo.

This story was originally published February 4, 2025 at 5:30 AM with the headline "Up is down, black is white, and the Mariners are just fine, according to Jerry Dipoto."